Category Archives: Advice

Blowing Kisses in the wind – Date One

I started talking with Paula Abdul on one of the popular dating sites. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! She had an excellent profile…. she sounds like a sane, normal, nice Christian woman. She even mentioned in her profile that she craves banter, as most good women do. Like the Cyndi Lauper song says, Girls Just Want to Have Fun.

On our second day of correspondence, Before I could even ask, she asked me for my phone number. Wow, incoming! I was just complaining to my featured columnist and number one wing woman Jade Ferguson who looks like Xena The Warrior Princess, how I had recently asked a couple of women for their numbers on the second day of messaging and they turned me down. Yet, here is a woman whom I did not even have to ask, she asked me.

She texted me the next day, and I suggested I call her at eight-forty-five, and she remarked, “That’s kinda specific”. She countered with a time of eight-fifty-two, and I thought she was just being factitious! She actually did call me at that time – it turns out that was how long it took her to take a shower! We had a nice chat for an hour, and set a first meet at Longhorn restaurant. I was surprised on the date when she remarked that it was a short phone call. Short to me, and more appropriate, would be ten minutes. Men should call to make a date. In contrast, women often use the telephone to weed out men.

Things went uncharacteristically wrong on my part. On the night of the date, I passed out after lunch, and slept too long. It also took me longer than expected to get ready. By the time I was in the Batallac and ready to drive to our meeting place, I should have been there already. I texted her that I was running ten minutes late. Then, I had to stop at the ATM. On most days, I can usually go right through, but one of the ATM’s was out of order, and there was a line at the the other drive through ATM, so I went inside the bank thinking it would be quicker. Yet, I was foiled again! There was a long line inside the bank, and a lady was having trouble with the ATM machine. I think I could have had a child in the time she was spending at the machine! Disgusted and running late, I decided to walk across the street and use another ATM at a Wally World. Finally ready to go, I took off at warp speed in my Jew canoe to rendezvous with my date for the evening. I sent her some progress report texts along the way. In reply, she sent me a funny meme of a woman with her mouth hanging open!

Paula took the initiative and got us a table. When we met, I gave her the token hug. She had a beautiful face that resembled Paula Abdul to a tee. By the time I sat down at the table with her, I knew that I was attracted to her. Unfortunately, it’s not love at first sight, because she was not in shape. I’m concerned about her health. So, I have some attraction for her, but not a high level of attraction. This might be okay. Looks fade with time, but personality is forever, and most important. In the long run, it’s a woman’s personality that is most important, and what a man has to live with. A beautiful woman gets ugly quick if she’s a Drewish princess.

From our long talk on the phone, she learned that I was a relationship writer, and that prompted a lot of discussion about Love and Disorderly Conduct. She was married for twelve years, has three children, two still living at home. She’s been divorced for eight years, and had a few date stories to tell…… the man in a band that she had a drink with, who, on that first night they met, shared an outlandish fetish of wanting a golden shower! Kids, cover your ears! She also mentioned the man she dated for six months who she bought tickets to a play for, and he stood her up – then he bought her flowers the next day to make up for it. Also, there was the man she met once, who said that twenty-five minutes was to far to go for a relationship…….. yet, he called back two weeks later to propose a swinger relationship. It’s hard to find a gentleman these days! Yet, I must tell you ladies, there are good men out there. Dating is like searching for a needle in a haystack, but you only need one good one.

A huge indicator of Paulas’ attraction for me was the fact that she touched me several times on the date.

I apologized for being late. She did not seem too rattled by my late showing, I think she just likes me too much, which is oh so right. We enjoyed lots of conversation and banter and this date was a marathon, we stayed at Longhorns for four hours, something I almost never do. Normally, my skinny butt starts hurting from sitting after an hour and a half. This is a very good sign, obviously I liked her. However, I was surprised when she categorized me as serious……. sometimes, I get so silly on dates, I run the risk of getting kicked out of places! You just can’t take me anywhere! As I alluded to earlier, although I liked her and could talk to her for hours and we would never run out of things to say, my love level was not super high, probably because she was out of shape. However, that Paula Abdul face that she has is very kissable. Will there be a kiss at the end of this date?

I was also impressed with her positive mindset, she has a very good attitude. Incidentally, she’s a physical therapist.

After our long four hour dinner which seemed to pass way too quickly, we took a stroll around he mall, as I wanted to see an old restaurant in the area. I finally escorted Paula to her soccer-mom vehicle, and before we parted our separate ways to go home for the evening, I gave her the token goodbye hug. Still, that was not enough for me…… I went back for a second hug, and this time, I gave Paula Abdul a peck on her beautiful bee-stung lips! It was good for me! Was it good for you?

After I returned home, Paula texted me, thanking me for the date. This is a very strong signal that another date is a good possibility. This was my very first kiss since being single, a very good sign that I am not on the rebound, and that love is in the air.

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Lucy You Got Some Splainin’ to Do

I was in a relationship for a year and a half. I met Bama Belle and she promised me the world, yet failed to deliver, so I found myself single again. Women choose if and when a relationship will start, and how long it’s going to last. Love is primarily a woman’s game, men just go along for the ride. Look at the bright side, I get to kiss more women! Seriously, we want relationships to last forever, but it does not always workout that way.

I started chatting with Lucile Ball on a popular dating website and she gave me her telephone number. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty in this story of love and disorderly conduct. She’s a writing professor at a local college who specializes in Shakespeare. Go softly into the good night. She’s originally from Canada, moved to North Carolina in nineteen ninety-seven, then she taught in Puerto Rico, then South Carolina, and now she has finally made a home for herself in Florida. She works at the local college, but hopes to move up to the University level. This is a good sign, it looks like she has made a nest here and plans to stay.

I texted Lucy and set up a time to call her. When I called, all I got was voicemail and crickets. Puzzled, I left a message. A couple days later, she texts me and says, “I just got your voicemail today, I did not even know you called.” I was busy with other things and kind of let it go, just to see what would happen. We continued to text sporadically for the next few days, and to my surprise, she made a date with me for the weekend!

We decided to meet at a TGI Friday’s resturant in the metro area. Does this sound familiar? It should sound familiar, I usually meet strange women at TGI Friday’s, otherwise known as my office! That just sounds so wrong!

This metropolitan area is in a neighboring county, and a big one at that. The streets can look like a parking lot during rush hour. Speaking of parking lots, that was one mondo parking lot. I told Lucy I parked in another zip code! She laughed at that one, and many other jokes and quips I came up with on this date. The dance king is back, and in grandiose style.

She arrived at the mall almost an hour early. What could that mean? Is she into me, or does she simply have nothing bedder to do? I arrived right on time. How I got there on time through all that traffic, I’ll never know. Maybe I’m related to Jeff Gordon?

She took the liberty of getting us a table. I walked into the restaurant and when I first laid eyes on her, I was not very attracted to her. When I went in for the hug, I noticed she was ready for a kiss on the lips! If I had kissed her, would it have been just a peck on the lips, or one of those long, searching kisses where you are gasping for air?

We had great conversation and seemed to have chemistry. Would it turn out to be just friendship chemistry or something more? I learned that she has a twelve year old son. No wonder I could not reach her the first time I called, she has other priorities, as it should be. By the way, kids are wittle extra people to love you. What’s not to like?

She was divorced two years ago, Lucy was married fifteen years. Ex hubby is a disabled war veteran who cheated on her. She hates his guts, which is normal. If everything was just peachy, wouldn’t they still be together? She claimed when he returned from the war in Iraq, that he changed. I’m not surprised. Too much time apart, and people can fall out of love. The cheating is just a side event of the real cause. Like the song says, he lost that lovin’ feeling.

She was plain but tall, nice complexion, and in shape. I ordered the fish, water, and one shot of whiskey. It’s a good rule of thumb to stick to a two-drink maximum on dates. Whisky man don’t you play that hand too long. She ordered a Cobb salad. I said grace at dinner. You can’t have too much class, this world could use a little more of it. After an hour-and-a-half date, I got the sense she wanted to leave. She did say she had some work to do around the corner at the college. Did she not want to extend the date because she was not into me, or did she really have work to do?

I grabbed the bill and paid it, but I noticed she stared at it. Yet, she did not offer to help. Did she not offer to help because she liked me? Sometimes women offer to pay their fair share because they are not attracted to the man and don’t want to feel obligated. Other times, they are just being polite. The truth is, you can’t infer much from this. Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!

Being the gentleman that I am, I opened and held the door for her as we left the restaurant. I also escorted her to her midlife crisis car, a sporty, chameleon-red Camaro. It had a manual transmission. I like a woman who knows how to drive a stick. Kids, cover your eyes!
When I went in for the goodbye hug, I noticed that this time, she wanted to kiss me even more! Wow, I’m just so hot. You can’t touch this.

She contacted me later in the evening after the date. I was right, she wanted a kiss! Sadly, I am not attracted to Lucy, so I won’t be seeing her again. However, that’s okay, there are other matches out there, and you only need to find one good one.

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Could Catherine Zeta-Jones Tame Jim Carrey’s Wild Side? – A Date Story

I had a car accident a couple of months ago. I was doing fifty-nine miles per hour on an off-ramp on the interstate when out of nowhere, a semi-truck appeared on my back bumper. He was so close to my back bumper, I was certain he would hit me. Sure enough, a few seconds later, he rammed right into the back of my car! Luckily, I was in my Batillac and my alter ego, Jim Carrey, was unscathed. It was like something out of the Steven Spielberg movie Duel, absolutely terrifying. I guess I just was not going fast enough for him on his road.

Road-rage, unfortunately, is a real problem today. People with bad attitudes can be trouble anywhere, particularly in the world of dating and relationships. Can you imagine if you were married to someone with that rotten attitude? Some people spend decades with a poor catch, walking on eggshells day in and day out. As Eddie Murphy might say, “Haters gonna hate”. A person’s like or love for you is separate from their general disposition. People with poor attitudes are not the catch of the day, nor are they the pick of the litter!

The accident took the wind out of my sails and I did not have a date for a couple of months. Yet, there is hope for me. I finally started dating again. I started talking to a nice Christian lady on the Plenty Of Fish dating site, and we arranged a date for this evening – Jim Carrey is back in the dating saddle, and rides again! As Bruce Willis might say, “Yipikaye!”

Featured Columnist Jade Ferguson once said to me: “I don’t know how you do it, Gary – I mean really, seriously? I don’t know how you’re capable of being so casual about the cat-and-mouse game of dating and how – after a date rejects you, or you find out they’re a loser – you can just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move right on to the next woman? It’s as if you’re in an automated dating factory, standing next to an assembly line of various types of women, slowly moving past you on a conveyor belt, and you pick up a specific woman who interests you. When she doesn’t work out, you place her back on the conveyor belt, straighten out your tie, brush your hair back, spray breath freshener in your mouth (à la Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber!), smile like the Cheshire Cat, and then proceed to check out the other women whizzing past you until you find another one you’re interested in, pick her up from the conveyor belt, and then start the process all over again! It’s as if, even though I know you have emotions with this process, you completely forget about the stress and waste of time the last woman just put you through and then you just keep on going, and going, and going, like the Energizer Bunny, until you find the one woman who is a good match for you.”

The way I’m able to resist dating burnout is by using my intuition to reduce rejection. I simply try to steer clear of people with serious problems or bad attitudes, and get out quicker when a lady lacks interest in me. Why go to the racetrack and bet on a horse that does not look like a winner? If you’ll only date people who are nice, sane, and like you more, you’ll enjoy smoother sailing when it comes to dating and love, all the bubbles will slide harmoniously along the surface. By the way, I’m all for whirled peas! A good attitude is also helpful. This is something you can learn to do also, if you’ll read my book.

Enough with that Debbie Downer stuff, let’s get on with the big show, the date! I talked to Catherine Zeta-Jones on the phone and I suggested we meet at my office, a TGI Friday’s restaurant near her home. I call it my office because I often choose TGI Friday’s. There seems to be one in every town, and historically, they keep the music to a low-roar. I love music, but when first meeting a lady, I like to be able to converse and hear myself think – ya think? However, Catherine said she did not like TGI Friday’s, so I suggested another restaurant which happened to be high-priced; it was the only one I could think of in her area on short notice. Jade Ferguson suggested she is high maintenance, but this was my fault. The last time a woman compared TGI Friday’s to fast food, I found myself paying for an expensive meal at a fancy shmancy restaurant on the beach! A fancy restaurant is fine when you are in love with someone, but it’s not advisable for a first date – a man wants to find out if a woman likes him just as he is, and not for the size of his wallet. Plus, this whole wild and crazy dating thing can get expensive. Still, the man should offer to pay for dinner, women like a generous man. The best women understand tit-for-tat and will pay for a meal here or there, or for show tickets once in a while. Additionally, if a relationship does materialize, the nice ones will even rub your back and cook your favorite meal. There’s nothing like a nice woman in love. Nice women in love do it better.

About an hour before our dinner date, she sent me a text message, suggesting another less expensive restaurant which was located between our two towns, and closer to me, and I accepted that change of plans. Why did she do that? Was it because she did not like the steak house we originally planned on, or was it because she wanted to be more fair? She seemed to be a nice lady based on her messages and telephone conversation. Keep in mind I have experience with some of the nicest ladies on the planet, including social workers. These ladies hob-knob with nuns, think Mother Teresa.

I finally arrived at Bonefish Grill and met Catherine Zeta-Jones. She reminded me of Catherine because of her flowing, thick black hair and Spanish look. We had a nice dinner, and she made me extremely comfortable. I asked her lots of questions to spark conversation and to get her talking. We probably spent half the time talking about food. Many people want to be healthy, and good eating is part of that; we live in a beauty-obsessed society. I asked her why she suggested the change of venue and sure enough, it was because she did not want me to drive farther, she just wanted to be fair.

She finally started to open up and become more comfortable with me about fifteen minutes into the date, when she made a sarcastic jab at me. Ya gotta love women – even the nicest ones will keep a man on his toes! Gentlemen, look at the bright side, at least you’ll never be bored with the beautiful woman.

I was able to slip some of my funniest lines in when she was not looking. I said, “I’m not really bad, just drawn that way” When I’m good I’m great but when I’m bad I’m better” I had her belly laughing at my jokes. That Jim Carrey sure is a character! Why spank you, spank you very much!

  • She has two sisters who live in the same state, a brother who lives in Las Vegas, and her parents live a couple of hours away from her.
  • She likes yoga, walking, and tennis for exercise. She’s in good shape. I try to stay away from yogurt – if I tried to bend that way, I’d have to call a wambulance!
  • She likes swing dancing. Does Jim Carrey like to dance? Does Donald Trump have bad hair days? Do ya smell the coffee date? Women like a man who likes to dance.

She did not offer to help with the dinner bill. There was no touching from her. At the end of the date, we walked down the sidewalk in front of the mall and when we were parallel to her car, she said she had a nice time and that it was nice to meet me. I should have said good night to her right then and there – it’s always better if the man leaves first – that way, he does not wear out his welcome. Playing hard to get doubles love level (If there is any beginning level of attraction). However, I ignored her and suggested we take a walk around the strip mall to check out the other shops and restaurants. As Cartman says, “Whateva, whateva, I do what I want!” She followed my lead without hesitation. A few minutes later we returned to the area where her car was parked. We went for the token hug before we parted company. As I was going in for the hug, I noticed by her eyes and facial expression she did not want to kiss me (at least not yet).

Does she love me, or love me not? It’s hard to say at this point. There was no touching, she did not want to kiss, and I did not receive a text after the date. Usually, a person who likes you will text you sometime after the first date (For gentlemen who are newer to dating, I suggest you call the lady for another date the following week, even if she does not text you). However, she did seem a little nervous at first, it took her a while to open up. Yet, she is an insurance salesperson. Sales people are usually not shy – unless they like a guy and are feeling self-conscious. I’ll see what transpires this week, I’m making these dates up as I go along! Sometimes, you have to go a couple of rounds to find out where their head is at, before you really get to know them; dating is a process. Relationships take two months to forge. It’s not over until the fat lady sings! May all your dates be beautiful and thin, and may the bird of paradise fly up your nose!

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A Man’s Kryptonite is The Beautiful Woman – Date One

Ayelet Zurer made first contact with me on an online dating site. She reminded me of the beautiful actress from the movie Man Of Steel. As always, names have been withheld to protect the guilty! She wasted no time – her message consisted of, “Wow, here’s my number”! Gentlemen, sometimes you get lucky. So I took a look at her profile, and she appeared to be an attractive professional, a professor of dentistry at the local university. I replied that I would Continue reading A Man’s Kryptonite is The Beautiful Woman – Date One

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl

I had my first meet with Salma Hayek tonight. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! However, my name has not been changed – as far as you know! She originally contacted me on a dating site. After a few messages, she gave me her telephone number. We had a nice conversation on the phone, and we decided to meet at TGI Friday’s resturant, otherwise known as my office.

About an hour before we were scheduled to meet, she texted to say Continue reading Out in the West Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl