I met Uma Thurman at Red Lobster restaurant. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! She was a stunner, a perfect replica of Uma from head to toe, and she showed up in a beautiful evening gown.
We sat down for a nice twilight dinner. Let the banter commence! We had such a good time bantering and laughing, it was the best first meet from a dating site I’ve ever had. We had the perfect ratio of banter-to-serious talk. It was about fifteen percent serious talk, eighty-five percent playtime. Like a school girl, she was egging my Jim Carrey routine on. I put it on thick and heavy with my perfect impression of Eddie Murphy. Once you had a black man befo, you never go back! At one point, we got so loud, the waitress threatened to have us removed for love and disorderly conduct! I should not be surprised. On the date, she did confess she was bipolar, and taking medication for it. Obviously, she was manic on the date. My alter-ego, Jim Carrey, apparently works real well with bipolar women when they are in a good mood. Trust me, this is not a good thing. I should have left well enough alone, but like a glutton for punishment, I just had to go back for a second date.
The bipolar thing is a ginormous red flag. People with mental issues often don’t make for good relationship material. I naively thought, “If she can hold a job for years, she can’t really be that bad, right? Sure, and I also have some prime swampland to sell ya! I temporarily had a God complex. “Maybe I am one of the few men that could handle her”, I thought. I broke the rules, and had a momentary lapse of reason. I should have walked away. That’s okay though, it only resulted in a flesh-wound!
When Harry Met Sally – Date Two
I picked up my new-found supermodel Uma Thurman (she was a former model) at her home Saturday, at three o’clock for our second super date. We drove down to Lauderdale by the Sea beach. When we are nearing the beach, she tells me she does not like crowds, they can make her anxious and quiet. I’m thinking, “Oh no… here come the bipolar demons, they are going to finally raise their ugly heads”. I am looking for a parking place, and getting nowhere fast, the beach is packed, its a holiday weekend. Uma says to me, “Patience, dear, wait for that car to leave”. I sarcastically say, “Spank you, you make a great backseat driver, spank you very much”! While she is being helpful, it’s also a red flag. I also saw one of these flags a week earlier on the first date. It’s a bad omen. There is a slight commanding tone to her voice.
We finally park and walk down to the beach. It’s a beautiful day, a perfect seventy-five degrees, Palm trees against the backdrop of a Prussian-blue horizon, beautiful. We decided to get something to eat. We find a restaurant a block west of the beach that is not too crowded. I ask the waitress for a table in the back, in case we cut-up again, so that perhaps, if we are far enough from the majority of the other patrons, we won’t be so noticeable and risk being thrown out again for our shenanigans!
She orders water. She had two drinks on our first meet – wouldn’t you need two if you were on a date with a virtual Jim Carrey? I explain to her that I am not always that intense, it was just a brief first meet and I wanted to make it special and fun, memorable – and that it was – in an exhilarating but twisted sort of way (even after almost being kicked out of Red Lobster, Uma said she would do it all again)! I tell her I am not a machine, not the energizer bunny, and will take it down a couple of notches today. She appreciated the fact that I had a sane side and could keep it to a low roar. Uma had a hangover after the last date, and orders water this time. She is practicing self-control, excellent.
She goes to the restroom while we wait for the stuffed-Mushroom appetizer to arrive. When Uma Thurman comes back, she hits me with a whopper of a question. She looks me dead in the eye and bluntly asks, “Are you attracted to me?” All I can do after this doozy is put my hands together with one big clap, and roar with laughter like it is the best joke I have heard all month! Damage control time. Like Jim Carrey would do, I say, “Hey, I am here, on the date, I showed up – would a man be on a date with a beautiful woman and NOT be attracted to her? Look at the bright side, at least she believes in communication – and boy does she communicate! We go on to have some serious discussions about relationships, and I discover more about her. She was married for seventeen years, and in another long term relationship for five years. She also had an open marriage. In retrospect, I can understand why she had an open marriage – as you’ll discover as the story wears on and the stomach turns, she’s a huge turnoff.
After dinner, we decide to walk it off, and do a little shopping in one of the beach side boutiques. I have a bottle of Gatorade with me. I exclaim, “I wonder if they will let me in with my drink”. She quickly fires back a command, “Just hold it down at your side and don’t drink it”! I sarcastically reply, “Yes mom!” My response is sarcastic but not unloving, my intuition is on today. Also keep in mind, that even with these few flags, we are laughing, smiling, and bantering throughout this date. It’s notable that most men might never perceive these early warning flags. She also made another of these controlling-like jabs in the store. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the way a woman is supposed to treat a man on a second date. After five years of marriage, maybe.
This date is turning into the dark first half of the comedy When Harry Met Sally. Could this be the bipolar problem rearing it’s ugly head again, or, is there something else at work here? Is there any hope for twoo wuv for a supermodel with a chip on her shoulder? Is another man destined to be nagged to death from date one? Can you imagine what marriage would be like living with Attila the Hun? Like Jim Carrey said in the movie The Mask, “Spooky”!
After we leave the store, she walks into a restaurant to go to the restroom, and smashes me over the head with another command, “Don’t leave without me!” What a nag! Later, we make our way down the street. The city has a section of the road blocked-off in front of a restaurant and a stage set up. We take our seats, order drinks and wait for the show to begin. Uma did have a nice side, as she did pay for the drinks. Now, you never know how good the band will be on any given night, some acts are better than others. What can you expect for free? This show ended up being three old dudes singing to a recording, no instruments, not even a band. That’s right folks, the main attraction is glorified Karaoke. It was sad. Neither one of us liked it much. I’m feeling disenchanted and distant as this date is spiraling downward into a seemingly inescapable abyss.
Is there any hope for this date? What, if anything, can our fearless leader (Please, give me a break!) do to save his dignity? Tune in next week, ladies and germs, for the continuing saga of Gary’s world of love and disorderly conduct!