How Do I Ask a Woman For Her Number?

Q. A reader writes, “I am supposed to meet a lady from tonight at Starbucks. I plan to keep it to an hour, talk about safe topics and find out her likes, dislikes and hobbies. If all goes well and she seems into me, what is the best way to ask for her digits without seeming desperate and needy? Also, what are your thoughts on lining up the next date while on the current one? I have heard opinions both ways. On the one hand, I’ve been told that it is a bad thing, but I have also heard that you should.”


A. It sounds like you are off to a great start. The best thing is to exchange three to five emails and then ask her out, right in the email. Asking to meet her, asking for the telephone number, and every subsequent date you ask for are some of the biggest qualifiers as to whether or not she is both good relationship material, and really likes you enough to be a good match for you. Spread these tests out, never use up more than one of these opportunities per day.

At the end of coffee or dinner, tell her first that you need to get going, or mirror her if you think she is ready to leave, and call it a night. Before you leave, ask her if she needs to use the ladies room. Reason being, you want to walk her to her car. You don’t want her to turn around at the coffee shop door and run for the bathroom, hoping you will be gone by the time she gets back. You need to take control of yourself initially so that you get to reject her first, on your own terms. You don’t want to be wondering whether or not this girl likes you; there is no sense worrying about a girl you barely know. These things will prevent that from happening.


When you get to her car, keep a little personal space between you and her. If she wants to get closer, she can do that herself. Now, you may be talking at this point, or you may not, it does not matter. As soon as there is a break in the conversation, just blurt out, “What is your telephone number”, or, “Mary (or whatever her name is), give me your telephone number”. You cannot segue into this, you just have to suck it up and ask. The reason you are shy to ask is because you instinctively know it’s a big move; it is a pivotal moment. It’s a gentleman’s way of finding out if she wants to take the next step, if she would want to get more intimate in the near future. This is a positive thing. You will weed out women who would probably never be a match for you. If she says anything else but digits, or even hesitates, you can say, “That’s all right, we have email”, or, “No thank you”.

Asking to meet for the first time is a big step, but you have not even met yet. The most pivotal points of the beginning of the dating dance are the first few minutes she lays eyes on you for the first time, and when you ask for the telephone number, you find out how that went! Her response literally tells you whether you have a good chance of having a future with her. (Can you imagine a wife unwilling to give her husband her telephone number the first time they met? Does that sound right to you?)

What is the best way to ask for her number? Just do it! If the woman has half a brain, even if she doesn’t like you, she will respect you. She thinks you are confident, even if you are whimpering on the inside like a little lost puppy! Always remember, this is not the last girl in the world. If she does not want to play in your sandbox, another woman out there will, and you only need one good one.

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