Q.A reader writes, “I was at the gas station the other day. As I was filling up, this guy was talking to another guy in the car behind me. I went in and paid for the gas. I was about to get back in my car and leave when this guy came running toward me and yelled, “Miss!” I was going to just get in and ignore him but I didn’t want to be a total snob because I’d feel bad about it later. So, I turned around and he was stuttering and out of breath. He said, ” I just wanted to say you’re cute and beautiful, and I was wondering if I could get your number and take you out sometime.” This isn’t the first time this has happened. The answer is always and will always be “No thank you” I could never just be like, ” Oh, okay, I give it out all the time, no problem.” I didn’t look at him to see his expression or how my answer affected him. I wonder if he was surprised that I said no. How many guys do this? Does it ever actually work? Do other women give out their numbers in situations like this?”
A.Some people think that when a woman does not want to give out personal information to a man, she is afraid. Those people are correct. However, where they are wrong is in assuming the fear is always of possible bodily harm. In a civilized world, when approached in gentlemanly fashion, the fear of bodily harm is unfounded; it’s pure rubbish, unless the woman suffers from mental illness and is crazy, that is. Some women are not healthy and would be scared of any man, but those types have a mental problem, and this would probably show up at some point in a relationship, if she could even get as far as having a decent relationship. My point is, some women are just not good relationship material for anyone.
Additionally, some women have poor relationship skills and don’t know how to treat men properly. Even with a man they like, they don’t know how to behave.
With women whom are generally good relationship material, there are two internal, instinctual forces on her side of the emotional fence at work that will determine whether or not a man is successful at making a connection and getting a telephone number when he meets her, especially for the first time in a public setting. Both of these are fear. There are two types of fear women face as far as we are concerned with here, and they are both fight or flight fears.
Most of us have heard of fight or flight response, the classic scenario in the children’s school yard where, when confronted with a threat, a person will make a quick unconscious decision to either fight for their lives, or run away in fear. So, this first and most widely accepted type of fight or flight is fear of bodily harm, which, in a well lit public place surrounded by other people is normally unfounded. However, her fear might be reasonable, for instance, in a big mall parking lot, especially at night. It would not be a good idea for a man to run up to a woman in that scenario and ask her for her number. The chances of him getting it are very low. He would have a better chance of scaring her away, or getting a free visit from the police.
How could fight or flight responses be related to dating, you ask? The other fear that is not widely known is a mating fight or flight response. The classic fight or flight response is based on the instinct of survival. However, romantic relationships, specifically mating, are also an act of survival. When we have children, we are passing on our genes, mating to ensure our genes live on in the form of offspring. So, when a woman whom has good relationship skills is calm and comfortable and turns a man down, it’s simply a mating flight response. She does not want to be with you. She is preserving her genes for a man that might come her way in the future, one whom might be a better match. She is avoiding wasting years on baring and raising children that might be inferior in her eyes. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
Love is a part of instinct, the instinct to get intimate. Women don’t fall in love with everybody, and in fact, can be somewhat selective. (Often in life, when we give something up, we get something in return… the good news is that while women may seem selective, the good ones that have integrity and stay in love are naturally monogamous… isn’t it nice to realize there is a sunny side to all this relationship madness?!) The opposite of romantic love is this fear of mating. We can see this in the real world all the time. When a man asks a woman out the first time he meets her, especially when in a public place, the women that are not attracted to him oftentimes can react with a look of fear, especially when asked for the telephone number. Women have even been observed exhibiting strange body language. They have been known to pivot their hips away from a man they don’t favor. When they do that, it’s over; you would have a better chance at being reincarnated than ever having a happy relationship with a woman that does this. It simply means she does not like you romantically. The best thing to do would be to ask another woman. Why bet on a horse that won’t run the moment the starting gate goes down, and risk further rejection? Good women don’t reject men they like, they are too afraid of scaring them away; if they have good relationship skills, they fight for you, not against you.
Assuming she is rational, whether she is having a physical survival or mating flight response can be influenced by how comfortable the environment is, and how the man contributes to her comfort level. In the gas station, while it’s commendable he had the nerve to ask, this man could have done a much better job of making her comfortable. A woman should not give her number to every man that asks for it, she should not like every man in that way. In fact, in this reader’s defense, his approach was poor. Running after someone is not a good idea. It might give them the wrong impression. They might become uptight and wonder if there an emergency. That’s not exactly what I would refer to as having a good time, and women want to have fun. You need to behave like a respectable gentleman, not a dog in heat!
While it’s reasonable to ask someone out at a gas station, there are also places where the success rate might be better. Some of the best venues would include classes and social groups. People in classes are in a forced social setting, they are forced to get to know each other over time. It takes to two months for a woman to fall deeply in love. In a class, if the man waits until nearly the last class to ask for her telephone number, the woman has had time to warm up to him and become more comfortable, and she might even have a crush on him at that point. His chances of her giving him the telephone number go up as her like/love level for him goes up. Additionally, weddings and parties would be near the top of the list, as would other gatherings with friends. The more comfortable the setting is, the higher the chances are of her opening up her heart.
It would have been better for this man in question to approach a woman in a better setting. Even being inside a mall or department store would have been better. However, at the gas station, what he could have done was approach her in a more likable and relaxed way. He could have simply walked up to her, smiled, and started a conversation with her. As an example, he could have said, “Excuse me, could you give me directions to the Peach Tree Mall?”, or anything natural a person might ask a stranger that could lead to a conversation. He might have continued to smile, and he even could have made a joke or two. Finally, before either of them parted ways, he could have simply asked her for her telephone number. Can you see how much more likable this man could have seemed to her then?
It’s no surprise this woman did not give him her telephone number. The odds were against him. Yet, it would be helpful if he tuned up his approach.
Do men ask strange women for their contact information? Do women say yes, does it ever work? The answer to the all of the above is yes, it happens everyday. Furthermore, people meet like that all the time and have happy, healthy relationships and even get married as a result of those first chance meetings. Actually, meetings of chance can be quite romantic, and make for romantic memories, the kind that women cherish. A woman that falls in love with a man with that kind of confidence can highly respect the man, and the more respect she has for him, the deeper her love for him can be.
The stone cold truth is, if the reader has good relationship skills, chances are that she has given her contact information to a stranger in the past, and she might do it again in the future if she is single, if everything is just right, and the man seems special in her eyes. The truth of the matter is that she would never say never, if she was talking from actual experience, or through a state of love, and not just talking off the top of her head.
The bottom line is that if you are going to ask women out, as the setting becomes less personal and more remote, your chances of making a connection will go down. To have a higher success rate in public places, you will have to ask more women and accept more rejections. Conversely, the more personal the social group and surroundings, the better your chances. However, the number of women you have available to shift through to find the ones that feel you are special might be limited.
The interesting thing is, that when a woman does not hesitate and gives her contact information to a man willingly, it is in fact a mating fight response. What she is saying to the man is that she considers him a contender and a possible mate for the future. In short, by giving you her number willingly, she is fighting for your love.
The truth about dating is that relationships start from the first moment you meet a woman. Everything you do counts, and you must be ready, but go at a natural pace that closely matches hers or is just a little bit slower, as long as that pace is natural and reasonable. Dating is part of building and maintaining a relationship.
When you meet a woman and want to find out whether she really likes you or not, invoke a mating fight or flight response by asking for her telephone number. Based on the way she responded, ask yourself, “Did it seem as if she wanted to run away from me and wanted to be anywhere but there, or did it seem as if she actually liked me?” If you got the number, the way she responded when you asked her for it will tell you whether you should or should not call her. Getting the number, by itself, is not enough; how she responded to the question is just as important. On the other hand, if she does not give you the number, you are dead in the water. If you chose to buck the laws of human nature and pursue in this instance, you flirt with the possibility of further rejection, emotional pain, and a high probability of divorce.
Asking a woman for her telephone number might be the most important question you ever ask her. While getting a number does not guarantee that the dance will continue, asking for it will weed out many women that would never be any fun for you. It can literally tell you what your chances of having a relationship with her are.